Somehow I have gotten completely off track in my own life. Everything seems skewed. I haven’t gotten done half of what I wanted to this summer. Things keep falling through. And frankly, I am easily distracted these days. Everyone keeps telling me to just relax and have fun this summer before fall starts and I’m back to being in classes full-time and working full-time. But I keep thinking of all these things I wanted to get done before I get too busy to get anything done.

I feel like I’ve kind of lost sight of myself and what I want. While I am keeping up my diet, I let the gym membership fall through. I could give excuses as to why I didn’t sign up for the membership, but that’s all I have, excuses. I know it’s my fault for not stepping it up and really going for what I want and the only way to fix that is to kick my own ass into gear. At this point I’m just going through the motions without even really considering how that’s effecting me.

I can admit that I have been really depressed lately. For those that don’t know, I was clinically diagnosed with severe depression years ago. Of course starting in high school and then years after high school. However, I started seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants. At least two or three years ago I felt tons better and my therapist and doctor agreed that I could be taken of the meds and I was able to stop therapy sessions. While I am not even close to feeling as depressed as I was, I can see the direction I am currently headed in is not a good one. I figure I need to start by doing small things. For instance, tomorrow I’m getting my hair cut. I know, this may seem like something small or stupid to take control of, but you wouldn’t think so if you saw my hair. One of my major problems (as always has been), is that I am very indecisive. So I made an appointment to get my hair chopped off. It’s time. It’s long and unruly. I’ve been debated for a long time if I wanted to really grow it out or get it cut short. Frankly, it’s so long at this point that I am taking 45 minute showers and have to part it in the back to reach the ends when brushing. So there. I made a decision. Hair will be chopped off tomorrow. This will be a slight improvement for my body image, since the diet is going steady…but is slow to show results.

I also want to get more involved in causes that mean something to me. I want to join the environmental group on campus and other groups that appeal to my interests. I want to attend those poetry readings I keep getting invited to, and possible get on the damn stage myself.

I want to learn to cook, damnit. Even if it’s simple meals for two. It’s a problem that I can’t boil an egg. There’s so much I want to learn. So much I want to do.

Frankly, what it comes down to is that I feel like I’ve lost me. I want to be me again. I want to be interested, curious and learning. I want to evolve.

I need to be ME. Not someone who is just drifting through life going through the motions.

So watch yourself. I’m coming back!